Stuck
by steelphoenix
Summary: Songfic to Stacie Orrico's 'Stuck' - Kaoru's stuck on Kenshin... [One-shot]


**Stuck**

**By steelphoenix**

* * *

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, or any of its characters. 

**Author's Notes: **This is a songfic for 'Stuck' by Stacie Orrico. Kaoru's stuck on Kenshin… It was a song that just completely bit me on the butt and said, 'Hey, this works perfectly for Kaoru! Write it! Write it! You know you want to write angst!'. So here it is. Angst and all.

This is slightly strange in terms of universe placement – while it's the events after Kenshin leaves for Kyoto, the timeline is slightly out-of-whack, and (well, you'll see), Kaoru acts a little differently.

**Warnings:** Angst. Bigtime angst. Nothing else.

* * *

_**I can't get out of bed today  
Or get you off my mind  
I just can't seem to find a way  
To leave the love behind**_

OOO

Kaoru blinked the sleep out of her eyes, and sat up her futon, wincing at the twinge in her back. She'd trained hard yesterday, and probably pulled a muscle.

_I'll get Megumi to give me the recipe for that salve she used last time… wait, Kenshin'll have the…_

She paused midthought. Kenshin wouldn't have the recipe. He wasn't even in the dojo.

_Kenshin's in Kyoto…_

Kaoru flopped back down on the futon, suddenly lacking either the energy or the inclination – mostly the inclination – to get out of bed and start the day.

_Kenshin's gone…_

She had hated the last week. She'd wake in the morning, ready for the day, enthusiastic and happy. But within a minute, reality, in the form of the crushing realization that Kenshin wasn't here, would strike.

And she'd be left high-and-dry, her heart gasping at the loss of the water of Kenshin's presence. She was suffocating from his absence, missing the soothing and yet invigorating reassurance of his company.

And once she'd thought of him in the morning, there was no way of avoiding him – his ghost, for lack of a better word. Everything in the dojo was a reminder of him, and salt in the still-bleeding wound.

Yahiko had told her to go after him, or forget him.

Try as she might, Kaoru knew that the redhead was engrained in her now. She knew she should move on, but perversely, her heart _didn't_ want to forget.

_I can't lose this love… I can't lose him._

OOO

_**I ain't tripping  
I'm just missing you  
You know what I'm saying  
You know what I mean**_

OOO

Yahiko looked up as his sensei entered the dojo. She moved, as she had this entire week – _since Kenshin left_, he thought – as if she were very tired.

She looked as if she was 28 – no, 38 – instead of the scant 18 she was, since Kenshin's departure. The maturity and poise she had gained with such difficulty during the few short months of Kenshin's living at the dojo had simply drained away, along with her energy and vibrancy. The keen kenjutsu teacher had disappeared, replaced with a sad, wilted woman.

"Yahiko, time for practise," she said, the words the same as they ever had been, the tone bouncy as ever, but the voice dead.

The boy silently fumed as she crossed to the rack of bokken, lifting one lethargically. She began her strokes, but they were slow and inaccurate – Yahiko had been on the receiving end of her strikes often enough to know that she could do so much better.

For a few minutes, there was nothing to be heard but the swishing of bokken and shinai. Yahiko shivered at the chilly atmosphere, recalling last week, when Kaoru had chased him around the dojo with an oversized burdock root, because he'd broken his shinai.

The laughter, half-faked anger, and, above all, warmth and love of a family had surrounded the dojo then. It had seemingly been erased with Kenshin's going. _I hope the dojo wasn't like this before Kenshin came… I don't know how Kaoru could have lived!_

_I don't know how Kaoru does live…_

He stopped the strokes, lowering the shinai's point to the polished floor. After a while, Kaoru noticed, and ceased her mechanical exercises. Looking up, she had an expression on her face that Yahiko read as 'wondering why he had stopped'. Last week, he knew, it would have been a bright, enquiring look, one eyebrow raised quizzically. Now he barely recognised the same look. One eyebrow was lifted, yes, but the sparkle in her eyes was gone, and the deep shadows beneath them emphasized the pale hollowness of her cheeks.

"You miss him, don't you, Kaoru?" Yahiko went straight to the point.

Kaoru lowered her eyes to the smooth boards of the floor. "Yes, but I'm trying not to worry," she replied, a patently false smile on her lips. Yahiko knew that she was worrying. Knew that she was missing him with all her heart.

_Missing her heart…_

"Don't worry, Kaoru. He'll come back…"

"Of course he will! But I still worry a little, if you know what I mean." Kaoru's smile turned to an even more fake grin, but her voice held a wobble.

_At least she admitted it,_ thought Yahiko.

OOO

**_You've kept me hanging on a string  
While you make me cry  
I've tried to give you everything  
But you just give me lies_**

OOO

Kenshin had kept her hanging so long. She knew that she loved him, and had as much as admitted it to him. But he was so shy. Or perhaps fearful of what his identity as Battousai could do to her.

The only inkling she had of his feelings – or lack thereof – were the words he'd said when he'd left.

"_I felt my heart could rest here."_

But was that because of her? Was that because she had been there?

Or was she just imagining that sometimes when Kenshin looked at her, there was a hint of softness in his eyes?

Was she imagining that when he looked in on her sometimes during the night, he smiled – not that empty, defensive Rurouni smile, but a true smile?

She had tried to coax out a reaction – any reaction – anything that would let her know where she stood with him. She simply wanted to _know_, with any degree of certainty, exactly _what_ his feelings were for her. Whether he saw her as a friend, a sister – Kami-sama forbid, a _daughter_! – she simply had to know. She wanted to know how to react, how to treat him.

She'd given him every chance, every indication, every cue she knew how to give. And yet he remained unresponsive.

_Or not so much unresponsive as… confused…?_ Kaoru thought. His body-language told of affection, but his address was formal and stilted. He had touched her cheek once while she dozed, half-aware, but he wouldn't come within a foot of her while she was awake.

His every response was tangled, self-contradicting, lying to himself, trying to lie to her, failing.

Beyond the perhaps-imagined smiles and maybe-soft eyes, was there anything?

OOO

_**Every now and then when I'm all alone  
I'd be wishing that you would call me on the telephone  
Say you want me there but you never do**_

OOO

Kaoru knelt on the floor of the dojo, nursing a cup of rapidly-cooling tea and a book. By own her slightly-distracted count, she had started the same column four times already.

The fine hand of the writer only brought a comparison to Kenshin's messy, childish scrawl.

_If only he'd left a letter… some explanation… _A message of any type…

Kaoru laughed briefly, bitterly, at the absurdity of that. Kenshin was not the sort for melodramatic gestures like love notes. The closest he'd come to melodrama…

That night.

The night with the fireflies…

_Now that was something out of a bad kabuki,_ she thought, trying to joke about it. Trying to dull the pain of every reflection. _A plot right out of a kabuki, definitely. A very handsome young man _

– _Kenshin's not exactly young, he's 29 –_

_leaves his sweetheart_

– _How do you even know he loves you? –_

_and goes off to save Japan. _

– _Why did it have to be him? Couldn't someone else? What about Saitou? –_

_He is followed by his loyal best friend_

– _Sano will have gone the wrong way, if he met Kenshin it's a miracle –_

_and they will triumph,_

– _But how do you know he won't be fatally wounded? –_

_to come back to the grateful sweetheart_

– "_This one is a rurouni. This one must wander again." –_

_and they live happily ever after!_ Kaoru laughed brokenly, then, as the horrible similarities and differences pulled themselves out, her shoulders shook not with giggles but with sobs.

_Just one letter! Just four words, Kenshin! Five at most!_

She knew what she would liked to have seen on that note, had he left it.

'I love you, Kaoru.'

'I want you with me.'

But there was not note.

He didn't want her with him.

And so she had to be content with the fireflies.

OOO

_**I feel like such a fool  
There's nothing I can do  
I'm such a fool for you**_

OOO

_Is it even worth thinking of him?_, Kaoru wondered, but she already knew the answer, and it came straight back to her.

_Don't be a fool. You'd think of him anyway, even if it wasn't worth it._

There was nothing, nothing whatsoever that she could do to stop thinking of him, worrying about him, wondering if he was alright, hoping that he was well.

But there was nothing she could do to help him anyway.

Otherwise, he would have asked her to come.

_Or at least, I like to think so…_ stated the bitter voice of her conscience.

With a sigh, Kaoru walked slowly along the veranda, heading for the kitchen. It was lunchtime, and if she didn't make something, she and Yahiko would starve – the boy wouldn't know the difference between a wok and a water-pan.

Absentmindedly, she lit the fire beneath the grille and began preparation. She pulled a pair of fish bought yesterday out of the meat safe, and began gutting and preparing them, dropping spices to the pale flesh.

Despite all attempts to keep her mind on the tasks of making lunch, her treacherous thoughts constantly returned to a red-headed rurouni.

_I wonder how Kenshin managed to always spice fish just right… I hope he's getting enough food – he's always thin, I'd hate for him to starve… But even if he's alright, what about wounds?… Shishio's bound to have very good warriors… What if he was wounded enough that he died?… No-one would be able to tell us… I'd never know that he'd gone…_

A tear slipped down her face unnoticed, and dropped into the miso. Then another followed, and another. She stood unmoving for several minutes as they flowed down.

Then a sniff of smoke reached her nose, and her trance broke. Wiping her eyes, she quickly turned the fish over, and put on the rice that she'd forgotten about earlier.

A little while later, she pulled out two trays and began placing on them what could be construed as lunch – were it not for the fact that the fish was overcooked _and_ overspiced, the rice barely cooked at all, and the miso far too salty.

OOO

**_Now love's a broken record that's been  
Skipping in my head  
I keep singing yesterday_**

OOO

Yahiko stared down at the mess on his tray, trying to decipher just what it was that Kaoru had cooked for them today. Her cooking, usually not the best, was now unrecognisable, and he was having trouble figuring out the dishes.

_Well, I suppose this is miso,_ he thought, picking up a bowl full of some sort of soup. He sipped it, and nearly spat it out at the saltiness of the taste. "Kaoru, how much salt did you put in the miso?" he asked, pulling a face.

Kaoru's head turned, and she stared at him blankly. He repeated the question.

The blank stare remained, and he asked again. This time the stare broke, and she replied hollowly, "There is no salt in the miso. Don't be silly!" There was a fake smile on her lips. Then her face went back to her food, her fringe shading her eyes from the boy's view.

_No salt…?_ Yahiko stared down at the liquid, wondering what could give it that unmistakable taste. Then something occurred to him. _She can't have…!_

He looked over at the woman's face, and there were unmistakeable tear-tracks down her cheeks.

He almost dropped the bowl in his haste to put it down.

Then an idea occurred to him. Perhaps a funny story might take her mind off Kenshin. "Kaoru, did I tell you what happened at the Akabeko yesterday? Well, you see, I went to…" Yahiko's attempt at a funny anecdote trailed off. At the word 'yesterday', Kaoru had sniffed as though to cut off a tear.

"I'm sorry, I have a little bit of a cold," said Kaoru, and her smile was as blank as her stare had been before.

_Dammit, can't talk about the past… even yesterday!_ Yahiko thought, half-infuriated at the rurouni for leaving, and half-sad because he had. _What did he say to Kaoru that keeps repeating in her mind?_

OOO

**_I can't take it  
What am I waiting for?_**

OOO

**  
**Silence reigned as the two residents of the Kamiya Dojo continued to eat. Kaoru barely noticed when Yahiko dropped his rice bowl to the tray, said a quick "I'll be back later", and slipped out of the room.

A few minutes passed, and Kaoru briefly wondered where, and what he was doing. _I wonder when he'll be back._

Then the thought occurred to her that perhaps she ought to wait for him to come back and finish his lunch. _But waiting until later to finish would be… strange…_

_I seem to be waiting a lot recently._ The bitter thought flicked though her mind with no warning whatsoever.

And it was true. She was waiting for Kenshin to come back, waiting for Sano to come back, waiting for that strange policeman – Saitou? – to come back and tell her what was happening…

_Now I know how wives felt, waiting for their husbands to come back from war._ That caused a bitter half-laugh. If only she was Kenshin's wife. Then she would know that he would at least do his best to come back to her. As it was, she just had to wait and hope.

_But why I waiting?_ It was a question she had asked so many times in the last week. _Why am I still hoping?_

The answer was just as familiar as the question. _Because I cannot bear to _not _wait, I can't bear to let him go._

_I can't bear to not love him._

But loving brought such pain, loving brought such uncertainly.

Kaoru didn't know what was happening, and she hated it.

_I can't bear this waiting anymore, this unknowing waiting!_

OOO

**_I'm still breaking  
I miss you even more_**

OOO

The weight of her sadness pressed down on Kaoru's shoulders, making her slump. As she dragged her hands through the dishwater, rinsing the residue of the failed lunch off the bowls and plates, her mind still moved, thoughts of Kenshin – of missing Kenshin – still staying.

The slump became more and more pronounced as she her hands moved slower and slower. Finally, they stopped altogether.

_I can't bear this anymore, this burden! This burden of worry and hope and sadness!_ Kaoru slumped forwards, hands still buried in the water. Slowly, she slid down, until she was kneeling on the hard floor of the kitchen. Her hands slipped out of the tub, limply flopping to the floor by her sides.

_This burden is going to break me…_

The water her damp hands was dropping on her hakama went unnoticed.

A deep sigh coursed through her, and suddenly it became another sob, and she slumped forward, her face burying itself in her hakama, damp palms becoming damper as salt flowed again.

A step on the veranda outside broke her sobs, and she sprang back to her feet, wiping her eyes with her sleeve, then thrusting her hands back into the water, just as Yahiko walked in.

"Hello, Yahiko! Where did you go?" she asked, the fake smile firmly in place.

The boy grinned. "I went to take something to Tae at the Akabeko. Man, it's busy there now!"

"Oh! It would be, I suppose. It always around this time," she replied.

The boy nodded. "Yeah, that's what Tsubame said. I'm going to get something for dinner – maybe tofu." He turned back around, walking out. The fake smile – so like the Rurouni smile – dropped from Kaoru's face.

_Tofu? Kenshin always went to get tofu just after lunch…_ A sniff echoed through the kitchen, and she grabbed the nearest bowl, scrubbing madly.

_I have to take my mind off Kenshin – maybe practise will help…_

OOO

**_And I can't fake it  
The way I could before_**

OOO

Kaoru sighed as she slipped into the dojo. _Maybe I can just practice. It might keep me from thinking…_

She picked up one of the dojo bokkens, ready to use the practice dummy. A few swishes to test the weight, and she took her stance for a few random, accustoming strikes.

The first attack was unusually fierce. The slices of the bokken bent the sturdy bamboo pole that supported the dummy.

A brief vision of Kenshin showing her how to strengthen her grip flicked through her mind as she executed a particular stroke.

_Kenshin…_

She performed the lunge again, focusing her chi as she had been taught.

_Kenshin's chi technique is slightly different…_ slipped treacherously into her thoughts as the skill was put into action.

If he was here…

_If he was here, I'd beat him within an inch of his life…_ she growled internally, and suddenly, the practice dummy had red hair and a cross-shaped scar.

OOO

_**I hate you but I love you**_

OOO

_Why didn't you just tell me how you felt?_

The kata started slowly enough, with measured strikes up and down to the torso, strong thrusts and careful retreats. Her feet swished lightly, tabi making scarcely a sound as she stepped back and forth.

_Why didn't you even say "You are only a friend?"_

The tempo of the kata began to move faster, as designed. Moves that were practically engrained in Kaoru's blood flowed and eddied. Precise strikes and fluid withdrawals moved well, but Kaoru wasn't content. She struck the 'head' of the doll hard and fast.

_Are you _trying_ to torture me by telling me nothing and then going?_

OOO

_**I hate you but I love you **_

OOO

_Why did you leave so fast? _

The next strike on the top of the doll was fast, faster than Kaoru was usually able to manage. Then another two strikes hit the 'shoulders', and a series of strikes down the sides of the straw torso. A last thrust ended the kata.

_Why couldn't I come?_

Kaoru began the kata again, and faster. She scarcely noticed the increasing speed of her strikes, scarcely noticed that her eyes had began to narrow as her warrior's chi began to focus, her anger rising.

_What was wrong with just _coming?

OOO

_**I hate you but I love you**_

OOO

_If you'd just explained… _

Kaoru began to move freely, her attacks no longer coming from one position, but from all quadrants. She moved wind-like, with no godlike speed, but a smooth, almost-floating drift.

_I would understand!_

The bokken swung with increased force, each successive blow rocking the thin straw doll on its bamboo frame. The frame was beginning to make strange creaking noises as well. Stalks of grain began to fall on the floor, the loose pieces that formed the head began to drop.

_But you just said 'Sayonara' and left!_

OOO

_**I hate you but I love you**_

OOO

The bokken swung the hardest it had yet, and suddenly there was a crack as the overworked support finally gave in. The straw dummy went flying, to land in a crumpled mess against the wall.

The sudden halt of her practice pulled Kaoru's mind back to the real world.

_I was imagining the doll was Kenshin…!_

But as she returned the bokken to guard position, she couldn't deny that she felt better for the practice. All her anger, fear and uncertainty over Kenshin's departure had been cleansed.

Now she could start on her life again. Without Kenshin.

OOO

**_I can't stop thinking of you_**

OOO

_Who am I fooling?_ The thought suddenly stuck her. _I can't do anything but think of him. I can't think of anything but wanting to go after him._ _Everyone knows that I want to go. Why don't I just go?_

A surge of sudden hope and enthusiasm flowed through Kaoru at the thought, and her bokken dropped, tip touching the floor. Her eyes raised to the ceiling, and she studied the smooth surface for a few moments.

A single tear, the first joyful one for a week, slid over her cheek. _Thank you, Kami-sama, Father, Mother. For guiding me…_

Shoving the bokken impatiently into her hakama's waistband, she rushed out of the dojo, eyes sparkling. As Kaoru sprinted along the veranda, she nearly ploughed into Yahiko. "Get packed! Hurry! We're going to Kyoto!" she yelled over her shoulder.

A grin lit up the boy's face, and he briefly thought _Finally! I knew she'd come to her senses!_ before he rushed to his room to pack.

As Kaoru slung her pack over her back, her face was nearly cracking from her smile.

She might be stuck on Kenshin, but at least she could use it.

OOO

**_It's true  
I'm stuck on you_**

* * *

**Author's Notes:** So… what do you think? I hope you don't mind the fact that I mucked with the plotline a little. 

If Kaoru seems a little too weepy, please look at the way she is when around Yahiko. She is doing her very, very best to be strong. It's just so very hard when she's alone, she breaks too easily. And remember, the man she loves absolutely is gone, and she doesn't know what's happening to him.

I was going to do reactions for everyone, but in the end, it seemed redundant, as Sano was already on the way to Kyoto, and Megumi's main involvement in that part of the saga was getting Kaoru to go to Kyoto. Tae and Tsubame would have alright to put in, but they just didn't fit.

Yes, I missed out a couple of repeats of a couple of verses, and missed out one line. I hope you don't mind, but if you do, the full lyrics can be found at www. lyrics001. com (remove spaces). I hope that's the right address… /crosses fingers/

And please… review, onegai!


End file.
